On May 28th, 2016, I did a foolish thing.

My husband and I have been separated for 2 months. On a particularly crummy night, I was chatting with a girlfriend about how much this all sucked.  That conversation eventually turned to online dating (more in terms of “who’s going to want to marry a 30some mama of 4 kids with this kind of yucky baggage – the available bachelors will either also be divorced or just old, never married, and *gasp* maybe still living with mommy and daddy”), and to make a long story short, I ended up creating an online profile.  I realize that just by admitting that I did that, it doesn’t make anything else I say very credible.  I get that.  I did a stupid thing.  I didn’t do anything with that profile other than “look around”.  I didn’t message anyone, I didn’t “wink” at anyone, heck, I didn’t even let my mind wander when thinking about any of the other profiles I was looking at.  I never planned on utilizing the site (at least not anytime in this century), it was a “curiosity killed the cat” moment.  I’ve never really been in the dating scene, and quite frankly, I was curious as to what the dating scene even looked like these days.

I hadn’t thought much of that profile until today.  Today, when I received multiple text messages, phone calls, and FB messages.

What is done in darkness will be brought to light.

Recently, someone created a profile on this online dating site for the sole purpose of searching for me.  And he found me.  And he proceeded to text multiple people and post on his Facebook all of his findings (and more).

I can’t even begin to tell you how embarrassed I am.  True, I didn’t do anything wrong, technically.  But my character and my integrity are very important to me, and creating this dating profile was most definitely a VERY foolish thing to do right now.  I was asked today “what in the world were you thinking?!”

I wasn’t.

I was thinking short term.  Let me assure you, the curiosity wasn’t worth it.  To have all of my family and friends know about this makes me sick to my stomach.  That’s how you know when your actions aren’t pure.  Good, Godly, Wholesome things don’t make you feel sick.  Again, I can assure you that creating the profile was the ONLY thing I did, but it was definitely a foolish move.

For that, I want to publicly apologize.

The people that saw my actions (by means of the FB post) are people I hold in high esteem in my life.  These are people I’d love to consider me honorable and trustworthy in my actions. Some of these people are younger, impressionable, and maybe DID look up to me as a role model.  What was brought to light today was something that I am ashamed of and would hate for others to emulate if they were in my position.

I want to make it through all of this mess with my head held high.  I want to be able to say when all of this is over, that I made choices that had my kids’ best interest in mind – and I want THEM to be able to look back with pride when they think of how their mama handled herself during this difficult season.  I want to be able to look back and say that every move I made was made with integrity.

There’s a passage in Titus that I am reminded of when I think about this (Titus 1:7-8 specifically), and it talks about the leaders in the church and how they are to live above reproach, be “looked up to, be reverent, have a good grip on himself, and have a good grip on the Message, knowing how to use the truth to either spur people on in knowledge or stop them in their tracks if they oppose it.” (The Message translation).  Today I did not live up to any of this. 😦  For that, I am so very sorry.