I watched this TED talk today…  and I’m not quite ready to share it on facebook yet.  So here I shall plant it.

I’ve said many MANY times that I wished he had hit me.  People understand physical abuse.  They are horrified to see bruises.  They insist you leave if he lays a hand on you.  So no, my story is not like this woman’s, but it’s had it’s horrifying moments as well.  She says something a little over 10 minutes in that really hit home for me.

“I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man.  And I was the only person on earth who could help [Conor] face his demons.”

And in response to the common question: why doesn’t she just leave?

Because it’s incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

My story doesn’t involve the physical abuse the same way it involves her, but the ending is chillingly similar.  I left because I was terrified (and still am fearful) that he would kill us all.  He already planned to end his own life when he felt he had nothing left, so it’s not that far of a reach to think he would have a “if I can’t have them, nobody can” mindset.

“Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her.  Over 70% of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship. After she’s gotten out. Because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.  Other outcomes include long term stalking, even after the abuser remarries. Denial of financial resources, and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother.”

Why do I blog about my abusive marriage?  Because abuse thrives on silence.