Monthly Archives: April 2017

Good riddance to the baggage of this day

Letting Go, Steps Toward Healing

I mentioned that this month is a month of “one year anniversaries”. Last week at this time I was at my lowest and darkest. I had friends coming from all angles just to be there and sit with me in my pit. People showed up at my door, texted me, emailed me, called me, showered love on me, and most importantly, they covered me – no, they OVERWHELMED me – with their prayers. I have never felt so low, life had never felt so heavy and impossible – and at the same time I have never felt so **held** and cradled.

Today I am grateful to announce that I am back. I am Mandi again.

One year ago today at this time, he asked me if I wanted to disappear forever. The rest of the day was even more traumatic (and quite frankly, triggering.) One day I will share my private blog where I’ve journaled about that day (and that time in my life – and my marriage in general), but today is not that day.

This has been a year of survival and learning. Learning how to be a single mama. Learning how to “make it” financially without child or spousal support. Learning how to accept help. Learning how to fix things on my own. Learning how to support my babies when they are hurting.

When I look back at this year, I am brought to tears as I see the CROWDS of people that walked with me day by day, week by week, month by month. I have never been alone. Even as I hesitantly look at my time hop/memories, I am seeing that from the very first day, I had my tribe by my side.

Today I make note of this anniversary simply because it’s a page in the chapter of my book – a very important day that helped shaped who I am today.

Moving forward? I’m done being a victim. I am walking forward in confidence. I am seeking out opportunities to pay forward what’s been poured into me. I am stepping out in gratitude, grace, love, and PURPOSE.

I couldn’t begin to list the people I want to thank for surrounding me and helping carry me over the last year. You know who you are, and I want you to know that I am getting myself to a place where I am healthy enough to help you back, and to help others the way you’ve helped me.

My friends, I love you. I love you more than I can find words to express. ❤ ❤ ❤
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Good riddance to the baggage that this day holds, today I choose to set down that weight.

One.

domestic abuse, Letting Go

It’s 3am and I can’t get back to sleep.

3am on April 24th.  We’ve made it.  We’ve gotten to this day and we are still here. To be honest, there have been days where I wasn’t sure we would make it – metaphorically or physically.  That’s the hard part about dealing with an abuser, the fear of the unknown when the known is already so scary.

No.  I’m here.  I’m bruised and tender, I’m tired and shattered, but I’m here.  In some ways (and on some days more than others) I’m SO. MUCH. STRONGER. than I ever was before.  I’m lighter.  I’m free.  I’m brave.  But some days the brokenness of it all cuts too deep.  It hurts.  When it heals, it’s stronger, but then my heart finds new ways to break, new places to bleed, and it hurts in places I hadn’t felt before.  And I have to learn all over again how to heal. One day this will all be a distant memory, the pain won’t feel so fresh as we pass over days that have such significance.

One year ago today I exercised my right to enforce a boundary in order to keep my kids and myself safe.  I stopped trying to minimize his behavior by calling his rages “episodes”.  I reached out for help because I was afraid to go home alone (for good reason, as I later would learn).

One year ago today, I said enough.  Again, and for good.

Over the next month there will be other tough one year “anniversaries” that will lead us to the day I finally filed for an Order for Protection and subsequently, divorce. Our divorce will not be finalized for quite a few more months (at minimum) – the joys of divorcing a narcissist – but these one year marks are significant and important and deserve to be recognized.  In addition to the brokenness they represent, they also represent survival, peace, freedom.

So here’s to one year, self.  We made it.  Some days with more grace and peace in our heart than others, but we made it.  And we will keep pressing forward. We will thrive.  We will advocate.  We will not tolerate abuse in our home.  We will enforce healthy boundaries in our relationships. The heart will heal, and it will learn to trust again. Hold tight.  It’s not going to get easier any time soon, but we’ve got this, and we are not doing this alone.

Here’s to one year.

Take it off

When Jesus Speaks

There are days I wear my Grief like pajamas. Bitterness fits like a well worn bathrobe. Sadness warms my feet like familiar slippers, and Anger weighs me down like the wet towel wrapped around my hair.

Today I’ve worn —>All. The. Feelings.<— Taking one article off just to put another on.

And then I remembered my Truth. And my Choice. And the fact that my Creator – the very One that knit me together in my mother’s womb and knew me before I was even born, CALLED ME to cast off my dirty rags and put on Righteous clothing. I remembered that there is a shiny Suit of Armor (Ephesians 6:10-18) that fits me like a glove, and THAT, my friends, is what I should be wearing today.

My Everlasting Father, my King of Kings, my Almighty God – He has given me His FULL POWER to tackle this day (filled with *All*The*Brokenness*) with my head held high, knowing that WHATEVER the outcome, HE IS STILL GOD. And He is still GOOD. He will never EVER change, and that, my friends, is a Truth I can wear like a tattoo for the rest of my life.