It’s 3am and I can’t get back to sleep.

3am on April 24th.  We’ve made it.  We’ve gotten to this day and we are still here. To be honest, there have been days where I wasn’t sure we would make it – metaphorically or physically.  That’s the hard part about dealing with an abuser, the fear of the unknown when the known is already so scary.

No.  I’m here.  I’m bruised and tender, I’m tired and shattered, but I’m here.  In some ways (and on some days more than others) I’m SO. MUCH. STRONGER. than I ever was before.  I’m lighter.  I’m free.  I’m brave.  But some days the brokenness of it all cuts too deep.  It hurts.  When it heals, it’s stronger, but then my heart finds new ways to break, new places to bleed, and it hurts in places I hadn’t felt before.  And I have to learn all over again how to heal. One day this will all be a distant memory, the pain won’t feel so fresh as we pass over days that have such significance.

One year ago today I exercised my right to enforce a boundary in order to keep my kids and myself safe.  I stopped trying to minimize his behavior by calling his rages “episodes”.  I reached out for help because I was afraid to go home alone (for good reason, as I later would learn).

One year ago today, I said enough.  Again, and for good.

Over the next month there will be other tough one year “anniversaries” that will lead us to the day I finally filed for an Order for Protection and subsequently, divorce. Our divorce will not be finalized for quite a few more months (at minimum) – the joys of divorcing a narcissist – but these one year marks are significant and important and deserve to be recognized.  In addition to the brokenness they represent, they also represent survival, peace, freedom.

So here’s to one year, self.  We made it.  Some days with more grace and peace in our heart than others, but we made it.  And we will keep pressing forward. We will thrive.  We will advocate.  We will not tolerate abuse in our home.  We will enforce healthy boundaries in our relationships. The heart will heal, and it will learn to trust again. Hold tight.  It’s not going to get easier any time soon, but we’ve got this, and we are not doing this alone.

Here’s to one year.