I’ve had a bit of an epiphany.  Ok ok, it wasn’t exactly something that came to me organically – I have my dear friends to thank for gently pointing it out to me.

Right now, my life is this divorce.  This mess.  My narcissist.  My chaos.  It’s on my brain 24/7 (or pretty near that much, it seems).  So of course when I hear that he’s been spreading lies (or gross exaggerations) to what used to be mutual friends, my mind jumps to the worst possible conclusion.

Part of the problem is the silence.  Through all of this, there have been just a couple friends (from church, for example) that have actually stepped in and asked how I was doing, or checked in on me during this craptastic time in my life.  The rest?  The people I thought were friends?  Radio silence.  And it’s deafening.  And oh so painful. Because I automatically assume they believe him.  Which means I assume they now all think I’m this evil vindictive abusive manipulative monster that he’s portraying me to be. Because I’m not hearing otherwise (other than these precious couple mutual friends of ours).

Basically, in my head, I picture all of these “friends” going about their own lives, obsessing over my mess like I am.  Like it’s all they think about as well.  So when I hear their silence, I interpret it as them standing there shaking their head and giving me the “tsk tsk” finger and turning away from me completely.

The truth that was spoken to me the other night is this: the world doesn’t revolve around me. 😛

Yes, this message was delivered to me in a much gentler way than this, but that’s the truth of it.  What I interpret as friends turning their backs on me might simply be the fact that my friends actually have lives of their own (*gasp*).  My world revolves around this drama.  Theirs doesn’t.  Maybe they don’t hate me.  Maybe they don’t disapprove.  Maybe they don’t think I’m evil.  Granted, it sure would be nice if any of them cared to speak to me, but they aren’t, and I am not in a place where I can be the one to reach out.  And I can’t force them to reach out to me.  It is what it is.  But the truth remains: not everyone is thinking about my situation as much as I am.

That is actually very freeing to think about.  It doesn’t change how they ARE thinking about me (and I am working on figuring out how to stop caring what others think), but it helps to know that they aren’t obsessing over the monster they think I am.  They are going about their lives.  Tending to their own families. Worrying about their own dramas.  And who knows – maybe some of them even believe that what I’m doing is right and good, and for whatever reason, they just aren’t speaking up.  It’s been eye opening to start to see who my true friends are, and I’m sure as time goes on, the dust will settle and I will get a clearer picture of my newly established Tribe.  My People.  I know it will be a different circle of friends, but I’m already seeing who has their feet planted in my mud, arms outstretched ready to help me trudge through it all.  ❤

On May 28th, 2016, I did a foolish thing.

My husband and I have been separated for 2 months. On a particularly crummy night, I was chatting with a girlfriend about how much this all sucked.  That conversation eventually turned to online dating (more in terms of “who’s going to want to marry a 30some mama of 4 kids with this kind of yucky baggage – the available bachelors will either also be divorced or just old, never married, and *gasp* maybe still living with mommy and daddy”), and to make a long story short, I ended up creating an online profile.  I realize that just by admitting that I did that, it doesn’t make anything else I say very credible.  I get that.  I did a stupid thing.  I didn’t do anything with that profile other than “look around”.  I didn’t message anyone, I didn’t “wink” at anyone, heck, I didn’t even let my mind wander when thinking about any of the other profiles I was looking at.  I never planned on utilizing the site (at least not anytime in this century), it was a “curiosity killed the cat” moment.  I’ve never really been in the dating scene, and quite frankly, I was curious as to what the dating scene even looked like these days.

I hadn’t thought much of that profile until today.  Today, when I received multiple text messages, phone calls, and FB messages.

What is done in darkness will be brought to light.

Recently, someone created a profile on this online dating site for the sole purpose of searching for me.  And he found me.  And he proceeded to text multiple people and post on his Facebook all of his findings (and more).

I can’t even begin to tell you how embarrassed I am.  True, I didn’t do anything wrong, technically.  But my character and my integrity are very important to me, and creating this dating profile was most definitely a VERY foolish thing to do right now.  I was asked today “what in the world were you thinking?!”

I wasn’t.

I was thinking short term.  Let me assure you, the curiosity wasn’t worth it.  To have all of my family and friends know about this makes me sick to my stomach.  That’s how you know when your actions aren’t pure.  Good, Godly, Wholesome things don’t make you feel sick.  Again, I can assure you that creating the profile was the ONLY thing I did, but it was definitely a foolish move.

For that, I want to publicly apologize.

The people that saw my actions (by means of the FB post) are people I hold in high esteem in my life.  These are people I’d love to consider me honorable and trustworthy in my actions. Some of these people are younger, impressionable, and maybe DID look up to me as a role model.  What was brought to light today was something that I am ashamed of and would hate for others to emulate if they were in my position.

I want to make it through all of this mess with my head held high.  I want to be able to say when all of this is over, that I made choices that had my kids’ best interest in mind – and I want THEM to be able to look back with pride when they think of how their mama handled herself during this difficult season.  I want to be able to look back and say that every move I made was made with integrity.

There’s a passage in Titus that I am reminded of when I think about this (Titus 1:7-8 specifically), and it talks about the leaders in the church and how they are to live above reproach, be “looked up to, be reverent, have a good grip on himself, and have a good grip on the Message, knowing how to use the truth to either spur people on in knowledge or stop them in their tracks if they oppose it.” (The Message translation).  Today I did not live up to any of this. 😦  For that, I am so very sorry.